"If you have anxiety, then you wouldn't..."

This exact phrase pisses me off.

Nothing irritates me more than people undermining others, belittling them, making them feel as though their mental health is not valid.

Mental health is specific to the person, there is no generalisation of any mental illness. It isn't a competition. It isn't a top trump on who has a more severe mental illness. One is not more important than another. Mental illness is mental illness.

Yesterday, when I finished work, and put an end to a very busy weekend of being with others, I planned that today, Monday, I would go and do something on my own. After all, it's lovely being with your friends and surrounding by others, but its then super nice to just have some alone time.

However, I speak of how nice it is, yet I struggle to actually do it. I planned that today, I would go to the London Aquarium, as it is somewhere I have always wanted to go and I thought I could finally tick it off my bucket list. And then I woke up this morning, far from wanting to do this very thing.

No, that's wrong. I wanted to do it, I was desperate to do it. I just couldn't. My anxiety was screaming for me to stay indoors. I was being told that if I stepped one foot out of my flat door, something bad would happen. I was being told that it was safer for me to stay indoors. After all, nothing bad could go wrong then.

And so that's what I did. And it annoyed me.

This is happening more now than ever before. I am struggling a lot, too much, to do things on my own. It shouldn't be this much of a problem to just be independent and spend some time by myself, doing things I enjoy. However, I don't seem to physically, and mentally, be able to do that. So, as a result of this, I'm missing out on doing a lot of things that I really want to do. And if I ever want to do what I'm planning on doing after I finish university, then I really need to work on it.

But what is making me feel worse about myself is other people's comments. Thankfully, I don't have to deal with too much negativity too often as I have a good set of friends who help me out, and are always there for me. I appreciate it wholly and I wouldn't change it for the world. Though, there are always the odd few who slip through, and it seems to be their comments which end up gaining all of your focus and attention. This is what happens to me, and has been happening recently.

I know, the easiest thing is to just block said person, ignore what they say, just cut them out. But... it's difficult when said person is supposed to be your friend. Yep. That's why it's just so shitty. Especially when I don't really understand what I've done to deserve this sort of behaviour. But I've obviously done something wrong. However, I hate confrontation and I can't bring myself to try and resolve the situation. So, I just sit back and allow it to happen.

I know, I know, this isn't healthy but I just don't know what to do. I feel like at one point, my life was in a stable place and things were going alright, but I guess I jinxed it.